essay of forgiveness

Essay on Forgiveness

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100 Words Essay on Forgiveness

Understanding forgiveness.

Forgiveness is when we stop feeling anger towards someone who has done something wrong to us. It’s like letting go of a heavy burden.

The Power of Forgiveness

When we forgive, we feel lighter and happier. It helps us to move on and not dwell on past hurts.

Forgiveness and Relationships

Forgiveness strengthens our relationships. It helps us to understand and accept others, despite their mistakes.

Learning to Forgive

Forgiving is not easy, but it’s important. We can learn to forgive by understanding that everyone makes mistakes.

250 Words Essay on Forgiveness

Introduction.

Forgiveness, a virtue often preached yet seldom practiced, is the act of pardoning an offender. It is a complex psychological phenomenon that involves an intricate interplay between emotions, cognition, and actions.

The Significance of Forgiveness

The importance of forgiveness lies in its ability to release the negative emotions of anger, resentment, and the desire for retribution. This cathartic process promotes emotional well-being, reducing stress, and enhancing interpersonal relationships. It is a testament to human resilience and our capacity for empathy and compassion.

The Psychology of Forgiveness

From a psychological perspective, forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to relinquish feelings of resentment or vengeance. This process involves a cognitive shift, a change in one’s attitude towards the offender, and a willingness to let go of negative emotions. It does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense or reconciling with the offender, but rather, it is about finding inner peace and moving on.

Forgiveness as a Social Construct

Sociologically, forgiveness is a social construct that helps maintain social harmony. It promotes reconciliation and prevents the perpetuation of a cycle of revenge and hostility. In this sense, forgiveness is an essential component of social cohesion and stability.

In conclusion, forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal growth and social harmony. It is a testament to human strength, resilience, and our capacity for empathy. The decision to forgive is a journey towards inner peace, one that requires courage, humility, and a profound understanding of the human condition.

500 Words Essay on Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a multifaceted concept, deeply embedded in human interactions and fundamental to the continuity of social relationships. It is a conscious decision to let go of resentment or vengeance towards an individual or group who has harmed us, regardless of whether they deserve our forgiveness.

The act of forgiveness is a psychological process that involves a change in emotion and attitude towards an offender. It is a voluntary and deliberate act that requires effort and emotional resilience. The process is often complex, involving feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal. However, it also opens the door to healing, peace, and the possibility of reconciliation.

Psychologists suggest that forgiveness can be a transformative process that promotes mental health, reduces anxiety, and enhances our well-being. It is a coping strategy that allows us to deal with interpersonal conflicts and emotional injuries. By forgiving, we free ourselves from the chains of bitterness, enabling us to move forward without the burden of past hurts.

The Philosophy of Forgiveness

Philosophically, forgiveness is seen as a virtue, an act of grace and compassion. It is a moral decision to absolve another of their wrongdoings, not out of obligation, but out of understanding and empathy. This perspective emphasizes the ethical dimension of forgiveness, viewing it as a moral duty or obligation.

Forgiveness in Practice

Practicing forgiveness requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and maturity. It begins with acknowledging the hurt and allowing oneself to feel the pain. The next step is to empathize with the offender, trying to understand their perspective. This is followed by making a conscious decision to forgive, which often involves a verbal or mental declaration of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a personal journey and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. It can be a slow and challenging process, but it also brings about personal growth and emotional liberation.

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Essay on Forgiveness

Introduction

Have you ever held onto a grudge against someone who wronged you? Like when your sibling broke your favorite toy, but you eventually forgave them.

Forgiveness, a concept as old as humanity itself, holds profound significance in the human experience. The deliberate choice to let go of feelings of anger or retribution toward someone who has mistreated us forms the foundation of emotional healing and inner peace. In this essay, we delve into the transformative power of forgiveness, exploring its psychological, emotional, and even physical benefits. Through real-life examples and universal insights, we uncover how forgiveness transcends cultural and religious boundaries, offering a path to reconciliation, personal growth, and the restoration of human connections.

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Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a profound and complex concept that holds considerable sway in human relationships and emotional well-being. Fundamentally, forgiving someone means letting go of unpleasant feelings like rage, bitterness, and the need for vengeance against them. However, it is essential to understand that forgiveness does not imply condoning or excusing the harmful actions of others. Instead, it is a conscious and intentional decision to release oneself from the emotional burden of the offense.

• Release of Negative Emotions : Forgiveness entails acknowledging the pain caused by the offense while actively choosing to release the accompanying negative emotions. By relinquishing feelings of anger and resentment, individuals free themselves from the emotional turmoil that can otherwise consume them.
• Acceptance and Understanding : Central to forgiveness is accepting the reality of what has occurred. It involves accepting that the offense has happened and recognizing its impact on one’s life. Moreover, forgiveness often requires understanding the offender’s perspective, empathizing with their motivations or circumstances, and recognizing their humanity despite their actions.
• Emotional Healing and Liberation : Forgiveness is a transformative process that promotes emotional healing and liberation. Individuals experience a sense of inner peace and freedom by letting go of grudges and resentments. Forgiveness sets people free from the chains of the past and allows them to move on with their lives without being bound by negative feelings.
• A Path to Personal Growth : A practice of forgiving can result in significant personal development. It fosters resilience, compassion, and empathy , allowing individuals to cultivate healthier relationships and navigate future conflicts with greater maturity and understanding.
• The Power of Choice : Forgiveness is ultimately a choice—an active decision made by the individual. It is not always easy, and the process may be gradual and nonlinear. However, by choosing to forgive, individuals reclaim agency over their emotional well-being and refuse to allow the actions of others to dictate their inner state.
• Transcending Victimhood : Forgiveness enables individuals to transcend the role of the victim and reclaim their power. Forgiveness empowers individuals to rewrite their narratives rather than be defined by past hurts, embracing resilience and strength in adversity.

The Human Experience of Hurt

When someone hurts us, it’s like a punch to the gut, leaving us feeling angry, betrayed, or even broken. This hurt can come in many forms—words that cut deep, actions that leave scars, or betrayals that shatter trust. It’s the pain that weighs heavy on our hearts and refuses to let us forget. Holding onto this hurt can feel like carrying around a backpack full of bricks, dragging us down and making every step harder.

• Types of Hurt : Hurt comes in all shapes and sizes. It could be the sting of a friend’s betrayal, the pain of a loved one’s rejection, or the scars left by emotional abuse. Whatever the source, it leaves a mark on our hearts and minds.
• The Weight of Resentment : Holding onto hurt can feel like nursing a grudge. It’s comparable to expecting the other person to perish after consuming poison. But instead of hurting them, we end up hurting ourselves, letting bitterness and anger eat away from us.
• The Toll on Well-being : Carrying around all that hurt isn’t just emotionally draining-it also takes a toll on our mental and physical health. It can affect our immune systems and general health and cause stress, worry, and despair.
• Breaking the Cycle : It’s difficult to escape the vicious circle of pain and hatred. It means facing the pain head-on, acknowledging our hurt, and accepting that feeling angry or upset is okay. But it also means recognizing that holding onto that hurt isn’t doing us any favors.
• Choosing Healing : Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the other person’s actions or pretending that what they did was okay. It’s about letting go of the hurt and moving forward with our lives. It’s a way of taking back control and refusing to let past pain define our future.

The Act of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not merely a passive response to wrongdoing but an active and intentional process that requires conscious effort and emotional maturity. It involves several key components and steps, each crucial to reconciliation and healing.

1. Choosing Forgiveness

• Conscious Decision : Forgiveness begins with deliberately letting go of resentment, bitterness, and the desire for retaliation. It’s a decision to release oneself from the emotional burden of holding onto anger and grudges.
• Empowerment : Choosing forgiveness empowers individuals to take control of their emotional well-being and refuse to allow past hurts to define their present and future. It’s an assertion of agency and autonomy over one’s own life.

2. Acceptance and Compassion

• Acknowledgment of Hurt : Forgiveness involves acknowledging the pain and suffering caused by the wrongdoing. It requires individuals to confront what has happened and understand their emotions.
• Compassion Towards the Offender : Central to forgiveness is cultivating compassion and empathy toward the person who has wronged us. This means recognizing their humanity, understanding their perspective, and acknowledging that everyone can make mistakes.

3. The Process of Letting Go

• Releasing Resentment : Forgiveness entails letting go of resentment, anger, and hostility towards the offender. It’s about freeing oneself from the emotional shackles of negativity and allowing space for healing and growth.
• Moving Forward : Forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing the wrongdoing but about choosing to move forward with one’s life. It’s a commitment to not allowing past hurts to hinder personal progress and well-being.

4. Embracing Healing and Restoration

• Emotional Healing : Forgiveness promotes emotional healing and liberation from past pain. It allows individuals to experience inner peace, joy, and resilience in adversity.
• Restoration of Relationships : Sometimes, forgiveness can restore relationships and rebuild trust. It fosters open communication, mutual understanding, and a renewed individual connection.

5. Practice and Persistence

• Ongoing Process : Forgiveness is a journey rather than a destination. It requires ongoing practice, patience, and perseverance. Setbacks and challenges may occur along the way, but each step toward forgiveness brings individuals closer to healing and wholeness.
• Self-Reflection and Growth : Forgiveness practice provides individuals with an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. It enables them to cultivate empathy, resilience, and compassion, enriching their lives and relationships.

Overcoming Challenges in Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a noble pursuit, but it’s not always easy. Along the journey, individuals may encounter numerous challenges and obstacles that test their resolve and commitment to resisting resentment. However, by acknowledging these challenges and learning how to navigate them, they can unlock the transformative power of forgiveness and experience healing and inner peace.

• Facing the Pain : One of the biggest challenges in forgiveness is facing the pain caused by the offense. Although it’s normal to desire to repress or avoid unpleasant feelings, real healing can only start when we face them head-on. This calls for bravery, openness, and a readiness to recognize and communicate emotions.
• Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness : Anger and bitterness can act as barriers to forgiveness, trapping us in a cycle of negativity and resentment. Overcoming these emotions requires conscious effort and self-reflection. It involves recognizing the toll that holding onto anger takes on our well-being and choosing to release it, even when it feels difficult or uncomfortable.
• Dealing with Trust Issues : Betrayal and hurt can shatter trust, making forgiving and moving forward in a relationship challenging. Rebuilding trust takes time and patience, and it often involves setting boundaries and communicating openly with the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is allowing ourselves to trust again, even if carefully. It does not imply forgetting or endorsing the behavior.
• Navigating Reconciliation : In some cases, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation and the restoration of the relationship. However, this isn’t always possible or advisable, especially if the offense is severe or the other person hasn’t shown genuine remorse. Navigating the complexities of reconciliation requires discernment, self-awareness, and a commitment to prioritizing one’s well-being.
• Coping with Relapses : Forgiveness is a process, like any journey, with ups and downs. Sometimes, we feel like we’ve fully forgiven someone, only to have old feelings of anger and resentment resurface unexpectedly. Coping with these relapses requires self-compassion, patience, and a willingness to recommit to forgiveness.
• Finding Closure : Closure is essential to forgiveness but is not always easy to attain. Sometimes, closure comes from within, as we find peace and acceptance within ourselves. Other times, closure may involve external factors, such as receiving an apology or making amends with the person who hurt us. We must move forward and find healing regardless of how we achieve closure.

The Transformational Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not merely letting go of resentment; it can potentially profoundly transform individuals and relationships. This transformational power stems from several key aspects of the forgiveness process, each contributing to healing, growth, and restoration.

1. Liberation from Emotional Bondage

• Release from Bitterness : Forgiveness liberates individuals from the heavy burden of bitterness and resentment that can weigh down the heart and soul. By letting go of negative emotions, individuals experience a newfound sense of lightness and freedom.
• Emotional Healing : Forgiveness promotes emotional healing by allowing individuals to process and release pent-up emotions such as anger, hurt, and sadness. It creates space for healing wounds and nurturing inner peace.

2. Cultivating Inner Peace and Serenity

• Inner Tranquility : Forgiveness fosters a sense of inner peace and tranquility by eliminating the internal turmoil caused by holding onto grudges and resentments. It enables individuals to experience greater emotional equilibrium and stability.
• Reduced Stress and Anxiety : Letting go of negative emotions through forgiveness can reduce stress and anxiety levels. By relinquishing the mental and emotional burden of past hurts, individuals experience a greater sense of calmness and relaxation.

3. Strengthening Relationships and Building Trust

• Restoration of Trust : Forgiveness has the power to repair damaged relationships and rebuild trust between individuals. It fosters open communication , honesty, and vulnerability, laying the foundation for renewed connection and intimacy.
• Deepening Empathy and Understanding : Individuals develop a deeper sense of empathy and understanding toward others through forgiveness. They become more attuned to the complexities of human nature and more compassionate in their interactions.

4. Empowerment and Personal Growth

• Self-Empowerment : Forgiveness empowers individuals to reclaim control over their lives and emotions. It turns the emphasis from victimization to empowerment, empowering people to take control of their own stories and overcome their circumstances.
• Personal Transformation : Forgiveness catalyzes personal growth and transformation by fostering resilience, compassion, and wisdom. It enables people to grow, learn from their experiences, and develop a stronger sense of authenticity and self-awareness.

5. Building a Foundation for a Better Future

• Breaking Generational Patterns : Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hurt and resentment, preventing the perpetuation of intergenerational trauma and conflict. It paves the way for a healthier and more harmonious future for oneself and future generations.
• Creating a Culture of Compassion : Forgiveness can ripple outward, creating a culture of compassion, empathy, and understanding. As individuals extend forgiveness to others, they inspire others to do the same, fostering a healing and reconciliation ripple effect in communities and societies.

Real-Life Examples

Forgiveness isn’t just a theoretical concept; it’s a lived experience, often demonstrated through the inspiring stories of individuals who have found the strength to forgive in the face of immense pain and adversity. Real-life examples of forgiveness are powerful testimonies of the transformative power of resisting resentment and embracing compassion. Here are some detailed descriptions of real-life examples of forgiveness:

• Nelson Mandela and South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission : Nelson Mandela, the renowned pioneer of the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa, established the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC), a prime example of forgiveness’s efficacy. Rather than seeking vengeance against the perpetrators of apartheid, Mandela chose to pursue reconciliation and healing for the nation. The TRC gave victims and offenders a forum to discuss historical atrocities, tell their tales, and ask for forgiveness. Mandela’s commitment to forgiveness and reconciliation played a pivotal role in fostering national unity and healing the wounds of apartheid.
• Eva Kor and Forgiving the Nazis : Eva Kor, a Holocaust survivor and advocate for forgiveness, experienced unimaginable horrors during her time at Auschwitz concentration camp. Despite enduring unspeakable suffering at the hands of the Nazis, Kor made the remarkable decision to forgive her captors. In an act of profound courage and compassion, she publicly forgave the Nazis during a visit to Auschwitz, stating that forgiveness was her way of reclaiming power over her own life. Kor’s journey of forgiveness is a testament to the transformative power of letting go of hatred and embracing forgiveness, even in the most harrowing circumstances.
• Immaculée Ilibagiza and Forgiving the Rwandan Genocide : Immaculée Ilibagiza, a survivor of the Rwandan genocide, experienced unimaginable loss and trauma during the ethnic violence that swept through Rwanda in 1994. Despite witnessing the brutal murder of her family members and enduring unimaginable suffering, Ilibagiza found the strength to forgive those who had perpetrated the atrocities. Through prayer, meditation, and deep introspection, she could release the burden of hatred and resentment and embrace a path of forgiveness and reconciliation. Ilibagiza’s journey of forgiveness demonstrates the transformative power of forgiveness in healing deep-seated wounds and rebuilding communities torn apart by violence and conflict.
• The Amish Community’s Response to the Nickel Mines Shooting : In 2006, a tragic shooting occurred at an Amish schoolhouse in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania, resulting in the deaths of five young girls and injuries to several others. Despite the devastation and grief caused by the senseless act of violence, the Amish community responded with an extraordinary display of forgiveness and compassion. Instead of seeking revenge or harboring bitterness, members of the Amish community extended forgiveness to the gunman and his family, offering support and compassion amid their pain. The community’s response to the tragedy exemplifies the transformative power of forgiveness in overcoming tragedy and fostering reconciliation.

Forgiveness as a Universal Human Experience

Forgiveness transcends cultural, religious, and geographical boundaries, making it a universal aspect of the human experience. Across cultures and throughout history, individuals and societies have grappled with the complexities of forgiveness, recognizing its profound impact on personal well-being, relationships, and social cohesion. Here’s how forgiveness manifests as a universal human experience:

• Inherent Human Imperfection : Forgiveness acknowledges human beings’ inherent fallibility. Everyone makes mistakes and experiences hurt and pain regardless of culture or background. Forgiveness recognizes that no one is immune to errors or immune to being harmed by others.
• The Need for Healing : Forgiveness arises from the universal need for healing and reconciliation, regardless of cultural context. When individuals experience harm or betrayal, the desire to find resolution and move past the pain is a fundamental aspect of the human condition.
• Cultural and Religious Perspectives : While the specific practices and rituals surrounding forgiveness may vary across cultures and religions, the underlying principles remain consistent. Virtually all major religions and ethical traditions emphasize the importance of forgiveness as a path to spiritual growth, inner peace, and social harmony.
• Human Capacity for Empathy : At its core, forgiveness requires empathy—the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. This capacity for empathy is a universal trait inherent in human nature, enabling individuals to recognize the humanity in themselves and others, even amid conflict and hurt.
• The Role of Social Bonds : Forgiveness deeply intertwines with the fabric of social relationships. Whether within families, communities, or larger societies, the ability to forgive strengthens social bonds, fosters trust, and promotes cooperation and collective well-being.
• Cross-Cultural Examples : Examples of forgiveness can be found in every corner of the globe, from the indigenous practice of restorative justice among Native American tribes to the concepts of “Ubuntu” in African cultures, emphasizing interconnectedness and mutual support. Similarly, historical examples such as the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa and the forgiveness demonstrated by Holocaust survivors exemplify forgiveness as a universal human phenomenon.
• Shared Human Experience : Ultimately, forgiveness is a shared human experience that transcends individual differences and unites us in our common humanity. Regardless of culture, language, or background, the capacity to forgive—and to seek forgiveness—is an essential aspect of human existence.

Forgiveness is a beacon of hope in the human experience, offering healing, reconciliation, and the possibility of a brighter future. From the personal to the global level, forgiveness transcends boundaries, cultures, and religions, embodying the innate resilience and capacity for compassion within us all. As we embrace forgiveness, we free ourselves from the shackles of resentment and bitterness and sow the seeds of understanding, empathy, and peace.

Mahatma Gandhi famously said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

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The Many Benefits of Forgiveness, and How to Do It

The challenge of forgiveness, the importance of forgiveness, how to forgive.

Betrayal, aggression, and just plain insensitivity: people can hurt us in a million ways, and forgiveness isn’t always easy.

Whether you’ve been cut off in traffic, slighted by your mother-in-law, betrayed by a spouse, or badmouthed by a co-worker, most of us are faced with a variety of situations both serious and mundane that we can choose to ruminate over or forgive. But forgiveness, like so many things in life, is easier said than done.

That being said, there are so many benefits inherent in learning how to forgive—even more benefits for the person doing the forgiving than the person receiving the forgiveness. You don't have to forget what they said, despite the old adage, but letting go of anger and resentment toward someone can do wonders for your mental health.

Forgiveness can be a challenge for several reasons. Sometimes forgiveness can be confused with condoning what someone has done to us: “That’s OK. Why not do it again?” Even for people who understand the distinction between accepting someone's bad behavior as "okay" and accepting that it happened, forgiveness can be difficult because these two are easily confused.

Forgiveness can also be difficult when the person who wronged us doesn’t seem to deserve our forgiveness. It can feel like you are letting them "off the hook." While this feeling is completely understandable, it's vital to remember that forgiveness allows us to let go of a connection we have to those who have wronged us and move forward—with or without them.

Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the one who is forgiven.

Ultimately, forgiveness is especially challenging because it’s hard to let go of what happened. Forgiving someone who has committed unacceptable behavior can be difficult when we are having trouble letting go of anger or hurt surrounding the event itself.

Forgiveness is good for your heart—literally. One 2017 study from the Annals of Behavioral Medicine was the first to associate greater forgiveness with less stress and ultimately better mental health.  Increases in forgiveness made for less perceived stress, which was followed by decreases in mental health symptoms (but not physical health symptoms).

Other research in 2017 showed that 'state' forgiveness —an intentional, purpose-driven disposition bent toward forgiveness—produced in those participants who undertook forgiveness perceived senses of mental well-being, which included reductions in negative affect, feeling positive emotions, experiencing positive relations with others, discerning sensibilities of spiritual growth, and identifying a sense of meaning and purpose in life as well as a greater sense of empowerment. 

Research reported slightly earlier, in 2015, linked forgiveness with the proverbial forgetting. Emotional, intentional forgiveness influenced subsequent incidental forgetting. Determined, purposeful emotional forgiveness causes forgetting and is an important first step in the forgiveness cascade.

To sum it up, forgiveness is good for your body, your relationships, and your place in the world. That’s reason enough to convince virtually anyone to do the work of letting go of anger and working on forgiveness.

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Forgiveness may not always be easy, but it can be easier with a few exercises and the right mindset. First, keep in mind that forgiveness is something you do for  yourself  to sever your emotional attachment to what happened. (Think of taking your hand away from a hot burner on the stove—it remains hot, but you move away from it for your own safety.)

Let Yourself Be Angry, and Grieve

The first step in learning to forgive isn't really about the act of forgiving at all, it's kind of the opposite. Before you can get to a point where you're able to practice forgiveness, you need to properly feel your feelings about the problem.

That means really letting yourself be angry about what happened. This isn't about making yourself a victim or making the person who hurt you out to be a monster of some kind, it's just allowing yourself to feel your anger without suppressing it. Allow yourself to grieve if you lost a friend because of the situation, and get the emotions out of your body. This can take time and can involve practices like journaling or talk therapy.

Practice Empathy

When someone hurts you, betrays you, or is downright mean to you it can be hard to put yourself in their shoes. You would never do that to someone, you tell yourself, and maybe you wouldn't. But that doesn't mean you haven't been in situations where you behaved badly towards someone else in a way that may have been unintentionally hurtful.

It can help to keep this in mind when debating whether or not to forgive someone—maybe that person generally thinks the same thing about themself. Are they truly a malicious person? Or did they just mess up and have a major lapse in judgment? Sometimes trying to reframe someone's behavior in this way can get you a little closer to being able to forgive.

Identify The "Why" in Yourself

You might also take the time to contemplate why you're still holding onto the anger that you're experiencing. Even if the thing the person did to you has drastically impacted your life, is it serving you to stay angry? Is it helping in your healing process? If you answered no, forgiveness might be a good next step.

Set Boundaries

When learning how to forgive, it's important to remember that forgiveness doesn't mean you have to let that person back into your life. If someone isn't good for your well-being it's totally ok to cut them out of your life or set strict boundaries on the time you spend with them. Forgiveness is for you, not the person who hurt you.

Also, remind yourself that you are moving forward, and forgiving this person allows them (or at least what they've done) to stay in the past as you move on.

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM. Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study .  Ann Behav Med . 2016;50(5):727–735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6

Akhtar S, Dolan A, Barlow J. Understanding the Relationship Between State Forgiveness and Psychological Wellbeing: A Qualitative Study.   J Relig Health . 2017;56(2):450–463. doi:10.1007/s10943-016-0188-9

Lichtenfeld S, Buechner VL, Maier MA, Fernández-Capo M. Forgive and Forget: Differences between Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness.   PLoS One . 2015;10(5):e0125561. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0125561

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Greater Good Science Center • Magazine • In Action • In Education

Forgiveness Defined

What is forgiveness.

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Just as important as defining what forgiveness is , though, is understanding what forgiveness is not . Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.

While early research focused on forgiveness of others by individuals, new areas of research are starting to examine the benefits of group forgiveness and self-forgiveness .

For More: Read forgiveness expert Fred Luskin’s essay, “ What Is Forgiveness? ,” and Jack Kornfield’s thoughts on what forgiveness means . Learn more about forgiveness research in this summary of key studies and recent white paper , and consider: Is anything unforgiveable?

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Why Practice It?

We often think of forgiveness as a kind, magnanimous act—an act of mercy or compassion extended to someone who wronged us. While that can be true, research over the past few decades has revealed enormous personal benefits to forgiveness as well. According to that research, here are some of the most compelling ways forgiveness is good for us, our relationships, and our communities.

• Forgiveness makes us happier : Research suggests not only that happy people are more likely to forgive but that forgiving others can make people feel happy , especially when they forgive someone to whom they feel close.
• Forgiveness protects our mental health : People who receive therapy designed to foster forgiveness experience greater improvements in depression, anxiety, and hope than those who don’t. Forgiveness may also play a role in preventing suicide .
• Forgiveness improves our health : When we dwell on grudges, our blood pressure and heart rate spike—signs of stress which damage the body; when we forgive, our stress levels drop, and people who are more forgiving are protected from the negative health effects of stress . Studies also suggest that holding grudges might compromise our immune system, making us less resistant to illness.
• Forgiveness sustains relationships : When our friends inevitably hurt or disappoint us, holding a grudge makes us less likely to sacrifice or cooperate with them, which undermines feelings of trust and commitment, driving us further apart. Studies suggest that forgiveness can stop this downward spiral and repair our relationship before it dissolves.
• Forgiveness is good for marriages (most of the time): Spouses who are more forgiving and less vindictive are better at resolving conflicts effectively in their marriage. A long-term study of newlyweds found that more forgiving spouses had stronger, more satisfying relationships . However, when more forgiving spouses were frequently mistreated by their husband or wife, they became less satisfied with their marriage.
• Forgiveness boosts kindness and connectedness : People who feel forgiving don’t only feel more positive toward someone who hurt them. They are also more likely to want to volunteer and donate money to charity, and they feel more connected to other people in general.
• Forgiveness can help heal the wounds of war: A research-based forgiveness training program in Rwanda , for instance, was linked to reduced trauma and more positive attitudes between the Hutus and Tutsis there. A study of people who learned forgiveness skills in war-torn Sierra Leone found that they reported feeling less depressed, more grateful, more satisfied with life, and less stressed afterward. Perhaps most famously, South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission is widely credited with encouraging forgiveness and reconciliation after the end of apartheid in that country. Archbishop Desmond Tutu , the commission’s chairman, has argued that forgiveness is the path to “true enduring peace.”
• Forgiveness is good for kids and teens: Kids who are more forgiving toward their friends have higher well-being. Forgiveness training can help adolescent girls who are bullies and bullied decrease their anger, aggression, and delinquency, while increasing their empathy and improving their grades.
• Forgiveness is good for workplaces : Employees who are more forgiving are also more productive and take fewer days off, partly thanks to reduced stress around their relationships.
• People who practice self-forgiveness tend to have better physical and mental health . Forgiving ourselves may also improve our relationships .

For More: Learn more about the benefits of forgiveness in researcher Everett Worthington’s article, “ The New Science of Forgiveness ,” and in Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s essay, “ Forgiveness + Reconciliation .”

How Do I Cultivate It?

According to Robert Enright , Fred Luskin , and other experts, forgiveness isn’t just for the deeply magnanimous among us; it’s both a choice and a trainable skill that almost anyone can learn. Fortunately, research suggests that the capacity for forgiveness is an intrinsic part of human nature . Here are some research-based strategies for tapping into that capacity, whether you’re trying to forgive others, forgive yourself, or seek forgiveness from someone else.

• View forgiveness as something for you, not a gift to someone else: In his Nine Steps to Forgiveness program, Fred Luskin emphasizes that forgiveness is best seen as something that will bring you peace, closure, and reduce your suffering—a point echoed by Jack Kornfield in this video.
• Articulate your emotions : If you want to forgive or be forgiven, be willing to express how you’re feeling to others and to yourself. Ruminating on negative feelings is both unhealthy and unproductive. As the GGSC’s Christine Carter argues, this is an important lesson to teach kids as well.
• Look for the silver lining: This can be a controversial tip, but research suggests that after someone hurts you, you can forgive more easily by reflecting on the personal benefits you may have gained through the transgression. Writing about those benefits might be especially helpful.
• Make an effective apology: If you’re seeking forgiveness from others, studies suggest that apologizing will help—but weak apologies might only make things worse. Researcher Aaron Lazare has studied apologies for years, concluding that an effective apology has four parts: It acknowledges the offense, offers an explanation for the offense, expresses remorse or shame, and involves a reparation of some kind.
• Cultivate empathy : When someone has been hurt, they’ll be more likely to forgive—and less likely to retaliate—if they can sense or imagine the distress or remorse felt by the person who hurt them. This might explain why apologies foster forgiveness.
• Practice mindfulness: Training in mindfulness can help college students become more forgiving, perhaps because awareness of painful feelings is part of the process of forgiveness. More mindful people are also more forgiving of betrayal .
• Humanize the Other through contact : Research in Northern Ireland found that people on both sides of the violence there were more likely to forgive if they came into contact with someone from the other side, perhaps because it reduced feelings of anger and encouraged them to see the other’s humanity.
• Don’t let yourself off too easy: Research suggests that forgiving yourself for mistakes can sometimes reduce your empathy for others and your motivation to make amends. For a more healthy way to forgive yourself, read these research-based steps , which include empathizing with your victim and honestly reflecting on what you did wrong, or follow this process recommended by Rick Hanson.
• Seek peace, not justice: In his forgiveness program , Robert Enright emphasizes that forgiveness is separate from justice. The people who hurt you may never get their just desserts, but that shouldn’t prevent you from moving on with your life.
• Understand that forgiveness is a process : True forgiveness doesn’t happen in an instant; instead, it takes time and energy to achieve, and might not come easily.
• Overcome barriers to forgiveness: Research reveals some common fears and concerns to address if we are resistant to forgiving.
• Foster a forgiving school: Build a school climate of care and fairness in order to facilitate forgiveness among teachers and staff.
• Raise forgiving kids : Parents can help kids learn forgiveness by modeling it themselves, and allowing kids to move through the process of forgiveness at their own pace.

For more: Check out Christine Carter’s tips for teaching forgiveness skills to children, adapted from Luskin’s nine steps. And she offers these tips for fostering forgiveness in families.

Leading forgiveness researchers have also developed their own evidence-based programs to foster forgiveness, including the following.

• Luskin’s Nine Steps to Forgiveness , which involve a mix of cognitive and meditative strategies, from articulating your grievance to shifting your expectations from life to revising the way you look at your past.
• Robert Enright’s Forgiveness Process Model , which consists of 20 steps divided into four phases : the Uncovering Phase , where one becomes aware of the true emotional stress he has suffered; the Decision Phase , where one commits to forgiving rather than continuing to focus exclusively on his suffering; the Work Phase , where one comes to accept—but not condone—the pain he has suffered, no matter how undeserved; and finally the Outcome/Deepening Phase , where one recognizes the relief and meaning he is gaining from forgiveness. Read Enright’s tips for moving through this process .
• Everett Worthington’s REACH method for forgiveness, which involves five steps: R ecall the hurt, E mpathize with the person who hurt you, offer an A ltruistic gift of forgiveness, C ommit to forgive (ideally publicly), and H old onto that forgiveness.

Speaking of Psychology: The power of forgiving those who’ve hurt you, with Robert Enright, PhD

Episode 247.

When someone hurts you, it can feel justifiable or even satisfying to nurse a grudge. But psychologists have found that forgiveness, when done right, can lead to better mental, emotional, and even physical health for the forgiver. Robert Enright, PhD, of the International Forgiveness Institute and the University of Wisconsin-Madison, discusses how you know if you’re ready to forgive, the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, whether any harms are truly unforgivable, and how to forgive someone who isn’t sorry for what they’ve done.

About the expert: Robert Enright, PhD

Kim Mills: When someone hurts you, a friend or a former friend, a family member, a colleague, or a romantic partner, it can feel justifiable or even satisfying to nurse a grudge. After all, what do you have to gain from forgiving someone who's bullied you, betrayed you, or let you down? But psychologists who study forgiveness say that forgiving, when done right, can be therapeutic for the person who's been hurt. Research has found that it can lead to better mental, emotional, and even physical health.

So, when you want to forgive someone, where do you start? What steps do you take? How do you deal with the anger or grief that may be standing in the way of forgiveness? And, more broadly, can you forgive without forgetting? What's the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation? When someone has done something truly wrong, can you forgive them and seek justice at the same time? And, is it possible to forgive someone who isn't sorry for what they've done?

Welcome to Speaking of Psychology , the flagship podcast of the American Psychological Association that examines the links between psychological science and everyday life. I'm Kim Mills.

My guest today is Dr. Robert Enright, a professor in the department of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. He's a pioneer in the study of forgiveness, which he has been researching for nearly four decades. Dr. Enright has developed forgiveness-based interventions for children and adults who have suffered from bullying, abuse and other injustices. He's also brought forgiveness education programs to conflict areas such as Northern Ireland. He is interested in how forgiveness interventions and therapy can help people heal and improve their mental health and wellbeing. Dr. Enright is the author of more than 120 scientific articles and seven books, and has been awarded many honors, including a 2022 Gold Medal Award for impact in psychology from the American Psychological Association. 

Dr. Enright, thank you for joining me today.

Robert Enright: It's an honor to be with you, Kim. Thanks for asking me.

Mills: Let's start, as we often do in this podcast, with a definition. I'm going to ask you something that might seem obvious. What does the term forgiveness mean? You say people often misunderstand the term, so how do you define it?

Enright: I see it as a moral virtue, where you are being good to those who are not good to you, without excusing, without forgetting lest it happened again, without necessarily reconciling, as you had said in your introduction, and without throwing justice under the bus.

Mills: So, I mentioned in the introduction that your research and that of some of your colleagues, you've found that forgiveness can benefit people's health, their mental health and their wellbeing. Can you talk about that? What's the connection between forgiveness and wellbeing?

Enright: The key is that when we've been treated unjustly by others, a lot of times unhealthy anger sneaks into our heart and we're not even aware of that. And with that drip, drip, drip of the anger onto the heart, onto the emotions, day after day and even year after year, people start to become deeply angry or resentful. And then that can turn into anxiety and even depression and even low self-esteem, not liking yourself. And as you reach out, paradoxically, with goodness toward those who are not good to you, and it's your choice, it shouldn't be forced, that drip, drip, drip of the anger starts slowing down and in its place, you start having, as I say, that goodness toward the other. And that actually counteracts the toxic anger, reducing and even eliminating the effects of the trauma and that the anxiety and depression literally can leave and you get your life back.

Mills: Now, if you want to forgive someone, how do you do it—practically speaking? What are the steps that people should take?

Enright: Well, very briefly, it's good first to understand the effects of the injustice against you, seeing that it's quite negative and that you've been living with negative effects, like restlessness and too much anger and the like. And then you have to make a decision. How are you going to heal from that? And many people come to forgiveness when they've tried everything under the sun. And so they say, “Nothing's worked. I'll try forgiveness.” So, you make a decision, a free will decision without coercion from others. And then, what I say, hit the forgiveness gym to do the forgiveness work, to become forgivingly fit, you start thinking about the one who hurt you in new ways.

You see that they're more than the injustice against you. You see their personhood, is what you do. And when you do that and then you're ready to give this moral virtue-like quality, which is goodness to the other. That's when the healing starts to begin in the heart of the forgiver, which leads to finding new meaning and purpose in your own life, when you say, “Hey, I have a new way of dealing with trauma that I had never thought of before,” and it's there that you get a true psychological change that's transformative in a very positive way.

Mills: Now, it sounds like all of this is coming from within the person who is doing the forgiving. Does the person who is being forgiven have to play any kind of role in this?

Enright: I like your words “have to.” No. The other does not have to do anything, but it's helpful. If the other person is repentant, sorrowful, comes to you and genuinely apologizes without any nonsense, without using the apology as a way to gain power, that helps a lot, yes. But you can make this free will decision to go ahead and to try and be good to the other, try and expand your story of who this person is beyond just the injustice against you. And, it's your decision, your internal work. And you know why that's so important? Because then the other doesn't have that kind of power over you anymore. See, you're free to do this whenever you wish. Think about it. If your heart is damaged because of an injustice, and you need to forgive and you won't or you can't until three little words are uttered by the one who didn't like you, “I am sorry,” that's giving way too much power to the other.

Mills: But how do I know personally that I'm ready to forgive? I mean, I may feel like that's what I should do, but is it truly coming from within? We talk about heart here. Is it coming from my heart?

Enright: I think that's a great question. And, people tend to know when they are ready for a new chapter in their life. They know when they're ready to go on a diet. They know when they're ready to have a new friend. They know when they're ready to go to the physical gym to get physically fit. They have a motivation. They have a direction in their life. And so, a lot of times actually, people don't think they are ready, because they think what forgiveness is is caving into the other's nonsense. But, when they finally hear that that's not what it is, and you can stand firm, that what happened was unfair and it's still unfair, but I'm going to try and give this unexpected, shockingly new idea in psychotherapy of deliberately being good to the other, while watching my own back, then people know they're ready for this new chapter in their life, just like they might for a new diet.

Mills: Does the forgiver have to engage in some way with the person they're forgiving? Does that matter?

Enright: Well, it does matter, but it's not necessary. You see, if you can go to the other and say, “I am hurt. This isn't right what you've been doing. May we talk about it?” And the other's ready, wonderful, but the other might be deceased. And does that mean you cannot forgive someone who's deceased? Now you're trapped for the rest of your life. Think about that. But, you can. How can you be good to someone who's deceased? How about a kind word about that person to other family members? If it's a person in your family who's hurt you. Or donating a little money to charity in that person's name, so you're honoring that person's name. You see, that stops the drip, drip, drip of the anger in the heart.

So, it's really a unilateral idea, just as any moral virtue is. When you're trying to be fair or just to others, you don't wait for others to make certain moves before you, for example, stop at a stoplight when you're driving a car. That's your choice. I'm glad it's your choice, because with justice there are definite repercussions for not doing that. But with forgiveness, it's also your individual choice and you don't have to do it. That's what I like about it.

Mills: How can you forgive someone who isn't sorry for what they've done, or maybe even doesn't recognize what they did was hurtful?

Enright: It makes it harder, and you can actually then forgive the person for that offense. For the person to stubbornly insist that, “I have done nothing,” is another offense. And so you can go ahead, if you're ready, if you know what forgiveness is truly, and you're not being coerced into it by that person who says, “What's the matter with you?” And you want to do it, then you can go ahead on your own, regardless of what that other person does. That's how freeing forgiveness can be, with the consequence, “I am now freed from what this person has been doing to me.”

Mills: You mentioned a moment ago that forgiveness is a kind of moral virtue. But, what if someone doesn't want to forgive the person who hurt them, or isn't ready? Does that make that person less morally virtuous? That seems like you're putting the burden on the victim in a sense.

Enright: You are if you misunderstand forgiveness, because if we see forgiveness as absolutely necessary under all conditions or we’re morally weak, then yes, it would be putting the judgment actually on the victim. But, philosophers use the term, here's a big one for us, supererogatory. Forgiveness is a supererogatory moral virtue. There's a lot of syllables in there. And what they mean by that is, it's not one that must be done under all circumstances. It's similar to altruism. Do you have to give money to every single person you meet on the street who has a cup and is homeless? No. Are you going to be condemned if you give to two people and not 10? No. You'll be praised if you do it twice. It's the same thing with forgiveness. Supererogatory means it's up to you, in the context that's right for you, when you are ready.

Mills: Is there a difference between forgiving someone very close, like a family member you might see all the time, and forgiving someone you can easily avoid, like an old work colleague?

Enright: It actually depends on the severity of the injustice, as to whether forgiveness in a psychotherapeutic sense is worthwhile. Oftentimes, I find when looking at the issue of helping people to forgive, the deepest, most profound hurts that can last a lifetime oftentimes come from the family. Why? Because it's the family that's supposed to protect us. And, when those in the family now betray us, the hurt can be much deeper than if a boss fires us. Yet, at the same time, if that boss is very cruel to you, dumps you when you have a family to support and others are mocking you, that might be much worse than anything you've ever faced in the family, in which case, that one really might need some help, in an applied psychological sense. Both may need help, but in general, it's the family issues that cut us the most deeply.

Mills: And that brings me to the question of whether there's anything that is unforgivable. I mean, we can think of a lot transgressions—the Holocaust, murder. I mean, there are many bad things that we do to each other. Is anything truly, truly unforgivable?

Enright: For some people there are lines drawn in the sand and they won't go beyond that. And we should respect that. That is their choice to forgive people for certain offenses and not others. But, quite frankly, I have never seen any offense in the world that I probably couldn't point to at least one person who has forgiven. Let's take a look at the Holocaust, which you mentioned. Eva Mozes Kor, who passed away recently, broke my heart, because she passed away was with her twin sister Miriam in Auschwitz, the concentration camp in Poland. She made a decision to forgive—I'm going to put this in quotes. “Dr. Mengele.” He wasn't a doctor, he was a pretend doctor. But Miriam died, because of those experiments. Eva Mozes Kor decided on her own to forgive, to set herself free. Others who were with her in concentration camp thought it was, I'm quoting here, “improper.” And that's fine, because it would be improper for them, but not for her. So, we have to respect those who won't forgive, and respect those who will, because it's their free will decision to do so or not.

Mills: Now, people often think of forgiveness in a religious context. Many religions teach the value of forgiveness. Do you think, and have you found in your research, that religious people find it easier to forgive? Or, is forgiveness just as possible and as powerful in a secular context?

Enright: Our research has looked at people from all walks of life, Muslim, Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, humanistic, atheistic, and we find that when people walk the pathway of forgiveness that's been worked out scientifically, and are willing to put the time in to become forgivingly fit, I've never seen a person fail miserably, especially depending on their demographics. Let's think about it for a moment realistically. Isn't it true that an atheist wants to be fair or just in the world, treating people with fairness, obeying the traffic rules? Absolutely, of course. And so, there's nothing in the rulebook of forgiveness that says you have to be a certain kind of believer to engage in it, just like the whole world engages in justice, regardless of culture. Because there are laws that might differ among different cultures, but they all have laws, and all people obey them or else. And that's just an example, the justice moral virtue, showing that we all on some level definitely try to engage in virtuous behavior.

Mills: Can it work the other way, though, where a religion says to you, “You must forgive, this is what we teach,” and you feel in your heart that you can't really forgive? Will that then weigh you down in the sense that you want to forgive, but you can't get there?

Enright: Yes, if you're misunderstanding your religion. Because, quite frankly, I have never seen a religion that demands that you get rid of your anger today. Okay? Usually, there are windows, usually there is compassion, usually there's patience. Honestly, I have studied these. I'm an egghead professor, remember. I study everything that's in English, whether it's Jewish or Buddhist or Christian or the materialist philosophies of the day, that demands that you start on the road of forgiveness today or watch out.

Mills: Now, you and your colleagues have developed forgiveness education programs for schools. What's the goal of those programs and how do they work?

Enright: The goal for children is to prepare them for adulthood. Isn't that what good education is always about? Why do we teach children to read? So, when they're in a grocery store as adults, they can read the mayonnaise jar to see how many calories there are. How about teaching them mathematics so they can balance a checkbook? Why don't we prepare children for the storms of injustice in adulthood that will visit them? I've never been able to figure that out. And so, what we're doing is we're preparing children for the storms of injustice that will hit them in adulthood, not by getting them into forgiveness therapy as children, but simply introducing them to what forgiveness is through stories. There are a lot of picture books out there for 4-year-olds, 5-year-olds, 6-year-olds that show conflict and show how story characters work through that conflict, sometimes with more conflict, in other times was actually deliberately trying to get along by seeing the humanity in the other. Because, as Horton said, in Horton Hears A Who , “A person is what? A person is a person, no matter how small.” Oh, even if they hurt you? Right-oh.

And so, now we get the sense of children seeing what forgiveness is, so that on their own, when they mature more philosophically and rationally, they can make their own decisions whether to do this or not. Because I worked with a 35-year-old woman recently whose husband just abandoned her, and she has two children and has to get a new job. And she said to me, “I want to forgive, but I don't know how.” What if she knew how to forgive through forgiveness education, her life at 35 would be much better.

Mills: Now, are there any demographic differences and who is able to forgive? Are women more able to forgive, because of the socialization that we go through? I mean, there are stereotypes and I happen to be part Irish and part Italian, and we all supposedly hold grudges. Do you find things like that in your research?

Enright: I have not found gender differences in how people successfully go through our psychotherapeutic process when they've been traumatized. There is some research out there that suggests, and it's only some, because not all of it says this—women statistically sometimes are more open to forgiving. I have found when I give talks on forgiveness that if you did a headcount, there are more women in the audience. And I have more graduate students studying forgiveness with me who are women. So, I think it's an interesting point, Kim. Maybe there is something there. But, at the end of the day, when men and women are definitely motivated to forgive, both can forgive with equal accuracy.

Mills: Let's talk for a minute about the role of forgiveness in social and geopolitical issues, where I know you've done some work. How did you deal with, I mentioned in the intro Northern Ireland? How did you negotiate that forgiveness with those countries?

Enright: Okay. Usually we're asked in. See, I don't push myself into anywhere. Anne—so, in Northern Ireland—Gallagher, as with Eva Mozes Kor, she died and broke my heart. She had a peace movement in Northern Ireland. She had family members who were part of the difficulties there, what they called “the troubles.” And she said, “Come to Northern Ireland and help us understand forgiveness alongside the quest for justice.” And so I came, and she introduced me to school principals there. And at first, the school principals, rightly so, were skeptical of the idea of forgiveness, because they thought we were moving directly into political realm. The Irish Catholics versus British Protestants. No. No. No. We're interested in children in what they do when another child pushes the one down and skins the person's knee, or steals your orange at the lunch counter. And so, we're more interested in the person-to-person issues within their own community, you see, so that eventually as they develop their forgiveness muscle, as we say, and become more forgivingly fit, they might, if they so choose, start applying that in the political realm.

And I had had the same thing with a school superintendent in the West Bank, where he said, “The anger we have within our community here in the Middle East is destroying within our own community, individuals, families and the local community. Could you help us reduce our anger level, by practicing forgiveness locally?” And we have done that. And so, the key is to not get involved in the political realm first, to get involved with the individual human heart, the family, and the local community and let's see where that develops. That is actually one of my big goals. My big dreams with this work I've been doing for 38 years, is to change the peace movement, where it brings forgiveness into the conversation, not just to usurp anything that's been done. But, dialogue by itself can appear very neat and tidy and respectful, but away from the peace table, if the hearts aren't right, hatred can continue. I want to see forgiveness as part of dialogue and as part of solutions alongside justice.

Mills: It sounds as if you're working a lot with the younger generations. And, I'm wondering if in some instances we're just going to have to wait for the next group of children, effectively, to become adults, in order to work through some of these issues? I mean, I think of the Middle East in particular, even what we're seeing between Russia and Ukraine right now.

Enright: That's right. I think that's extremely insightful, actually. And, that's correct. I think we need to bring two generations of children and adolescents through forgiveness, so they mature in that. They become, as I had said before, forgivingly fit, so that they can apply that alongside other issues that have been tried. Okay. How long is it going to take if we bring two generations through? Which is what? About 20 to 40 years? How long has the difficulties been going on in Northern Ireland? Hundreds of years. How long in the Middle East? Thousands. And so, is 40 years an exhausted amount of time where we should forget it? No. That's a blink of an eye. I think we should try this by having the humility to say, “Those who come after us might find a better way.”

Mills: So, you mentioned you've been at this for 38 years. What keeps you going? What are you working on now? What are the questions that you still need to answer?

Enright: Okay. What keeps me going is the passion for what we find. It has actually surprised me, the strength of the findings when people are gravely hurting psychologically, and are healed from, let's say, major depressive disorder. And that gives me a hope, and the hope keeps me going, that we can indeed create a better world, one heart at a time. And so, I would say on the table as my wishlist, more insight that forgiveness education is worthwhile for children and adolescents. And, here's a big one, community forgiveness. And we're actually starting to work on that in different war-torn communities, especially in Africa.

We've been approached by four different communities in different geographic areas of Africa. Coming to us, saying, “Can you help us? We have had civil wars.” I just had a meeting this past week with someone from an African community who told me one million people, Kim, one million people have died in this century from the civil wars. And he said, “We need to bring forgiveness into communities, into individual hearts, families and communities, and then community to community.” But see, both communities have to be astute enough and motivated enough to become well-versed in forgiveness. And then, what will happen? I want to find out.

Mills: Well, Dr. Enright, I want to thank you for joining me today. This is extremely important work that you're doing. Thank you so much.

Enright: Thank you so much for having me, Kim.

Mills: You can find previous episodes of Speaking of Psychology on our website at www.speakingofpsychology.org , or on Apple, Stitcher, YouTube, or wherever you get your favorite podcasts. And, if you like what you've heard, please leave us a review. If you have comments or ideas for future podcasts, you can email us at [email protected] . Speaking of Psychology is produced by Lea Winerman. Our sound editor is Chris Condayan. 

Thank you for listening. For the American Psychological Association, I'm Kim Mills.

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Episode 247: T he power of forgiving those who’ve hurt you, with Robert Enright, PhD

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• Robert Enright
• International Forgiveness Institute
• “ Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health ” ( Monitor on Psychology , January 2017)

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Your host: Kim I. Mills

Kim I. Mills is senior director of strategic external communications and public affairs for the American Psychological Association, where she has worked since 2007. Mills led APA’s foray into social media and envisioned and launched APA’s award-winning podcast series Speaking of Psychology  in 2013. A former reporter and editor for The Associated Press, Mills has also written for publications including The Washington Post , Fast Company , American Journalism Review , Dallas Morning News , MSNBC.com and Harvard Business Review .

In her 30+-year career in communications, Mills has extensive media experience, including being interviewed by The New York Times , The Washington Post , The Wall Street Journal , and other top-tier print media. She has appeared on CNN, Good Morning America , Hannity and Colmes , CSPAN, and the BBC, to name a few of her broadcast engagements. Mills holds a bachelor’s degree in biology from Barnard College and a master’s in journalism from New York University.

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Reasons to be hardworking, forgiving, honest and trustworthy.

Being forgiving is a difficult trait to have especially if someone damaged one badly. The time when the person I trusted the most in the world, my best friend stole from my family and stabbed me in the back, it taught me that in order...

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Unforgiveness Steals Away Your Joy, Peace, and Happiness

Forgiveness is one of the topics most Christians don't like to talk about especially if they were truly hurt by someone close to their heart. Sometimes, we feel it is better to carry the burden of hatred rather than forgive those that have wronged us....

• Christian Worldview

Analysis of the Article Intellectual Humility and Forgiveness of Religious Conflict

The article, “Intellectual Humility and Forgiveness of Religious Conflict.’, discusses a study regarding religious conflict. One of the authors begins by giving a detailed synopsis of what their experience was a undergraduate in religious studies. They often found themselves in conversations with people of other...

• Religious Conflict

Gratitude and the Act of Giving on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a day that shows people we love, values love, relationships and reading. Valentine's Day is a day to show people who care about our important words and actions. mean something! We all know that Valentine's Day is a day to exchange cards...

• Valentines Day

The Scarlet Letter: Hester Prynne Deserved and Earned Forgiveness

Have you ever made a terrible mistake and no matter how much you tried to fix it you can’t stop getting it from following you in life? In the novel The Scarlet Letter, by Nathainel Hawthrone the main character Hester Prynne knows how you feel....

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Enright's Four Stages of Forgiveness: Personal Account

Forgiveness is a coin with two sides. One including those who practice forgiveness in conjunction with someone who has wronged them, and conversely, the other side holds those who wish to have forgiveness bestowed upon them by the wronged party. Ideally, forgiveness is the work...

Ritualized Forgiveness and Confession in Christianity

Forgiveness is a biblical mandate from the New Testament that many Christians engage in as a part of their faith. Various scriptures reflect forgiveness as a part of Christian teachings and theology, as is it enshrined in the Lord’s prayer – forgive us our debts...

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The Freeing Nature of Genuine Forgiveness

“I don’t like you, okay?” She shot back at Lance on the phone. “I don’t date men anymore. Men are a waste of precious time!” The words stung him. He told her good night and never called back again. Cara was angry and bitter. She...

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The People Who Shaped My Story

There are only a very few people in your life who, out and out, fit in as the last piece in a jigsaw puzzle and complete your story. I 'm humbled by the very fact that I have known some. Those who have loved me...

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Best topics on Forgiveness

1. Reasons to Be Hardworking, Forgiving, Honest and Trustworthy

2. Unforgiveness Steals Away Your Joy, Peace, and Happiness

3. Analysis of the Article Intellectual Humility and Forgiveness of Religious Conflict

4. Gratitude and the Act of Giving on Valentine’s Day

5. The Scarlet Letter: Hester Prynne Deserved and Earned Forgiveness

6. Enright’s Four Stages of Forgiveness: Personal Account

7. Ritualized Forgiveness and Confession in Christianity

8. The Freeing Nature of Genuine Forgiveness

9. The People Who Shaped My Story

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Notre Dame Philosophical Reviews

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The Ethics of Forgiveness: A Collection of Essays

Christel Fricke (ed.), The Ethics of Forgiveness: A Collection of Essays , Routledge, 2011, 212pp., $125.00 (hbk), ISBN 9780415885430.

Reviewed by Linda Radzik, Texas A&M University

Christel Fricke's rich collection of essays arose from a conference held in Oslo in 2008 on Charles L. Griswold's 2007 book Forgiveness . However, very little of the text is spent critiquing Griswold's work. Instead, Fricke's authors use Griswold's text as a map that points to areas worthy of further exploration. Like Griswold, most of these writers resist the temptation to develop simple, unified accounts of forgiveness and instead dedicate themselves to plotting the complexities of human interaction in the aftermath of wrongdoing. The examples the authors use along the way range from subtle, personal failings to large-scale atrocities. While most of the contributions are works in moral theory, the volume also represents other disciplinary approaches to issues of forgiveness, including literary criticism and linguistics. The result is a satisfyingly diverse range of perspectives on the nature, justification and limits of forgiveness.

Part I includes a pair of essays dedicated to the interpretation of particular, historical traditions of forgiveness. In "Forgiveness and Forbearance in Ancient China," Christoph Harbsmeier surveys the language of forgiveness in Chinese, arguing that, "for a Chinese person to forgive, is always to forgive 'in terms of' one of the concepts outlined" (21). Harbsmeier goes on to present twenty-nine different terms in ancient and modern Chinese related to "forgiveness." To me, their differences were not as remarkable as their similarity. All seemed to portray forgiveness as a matter of letting the wrongdoer off, in some way, from the possible consequences of wrongdoing. Shù , which Harbsmeier suggests as the best translation for 'forgiveness,' involves a general sort of empathetic forbearance.

So far, the virtue of shù will seem familiar enough to contemporary Westerners. But Harbsmeier emphasizes that it must be understood in a hierarchically structured culture, where, he tells us, "egalitarianism is not in any way envisaged or aspired to at any level, practical or psychological" (13). Shù is something one shows to people below oneself on the social scale. What one owes to people above oneself is, in contrast, zhong , "doing one's moral best" (22). When those above oneself commit wrongs, then, the question of forgiveness does not really arise. Instead the question for the underling is how to continue to do his duty to his superior in this new context. Harbsmeier's analysis helps explain, for example, why in China the question "whether they forgive or do not forgive Deng Xiaoping [for the Tiananmen Square massacre of 1989] has become purely academic (i.e., quite irrelevant)" (14).

Ilaria E. Ramelli's contribution on forgiveness in Christian thought argues that what is almost invariably labeled as "the Christian view" is historically inaccurate. It is commonplace for contemporary writers on the ethics of forgiveness to assert that Christianity requires its followers to forgive wrongs unconditionally , that is, to forgive whether or not their abusers have met any conditions, such as apologizing, repenting or making amends. Ramelli painstakingly reviews an impressive range of ancient sources to show that, throughout the early history of Christianity, forgiveness was always predicated on repentance. Her argument is so convincing that I was left wondering how it has come to be that most contemporary writers -- and, I would add, all my students who self-identify as Christians -- have come to see a commitment to unconditional forgiveness as central to Christianity.

Part II on "Forgiveness and Selfhood" begins with Fricke's contribution, "What We Cannot Do to Each Other: On Forgiveness and Moral Vulnerability." Fricke provides an admirable description of the normative terrain of forgiveness and specifically the interconnections between moral and social norms. Fricke anchors her discussion of forgiveness in a social, relational understanding of the nature and consequences of moral wrongdoing. Wrongdoing damages the trust that normally marks relations among victims, wrongdoers and their communities; forgiveness is one way of repairing that damage.

Fricke goes on to emphasize that, as complex selves, we relate to one another, not just as moral agents, but also as friends, partners and neighbors. This leads her to distinguish between personal forgiveness, in which personal relationships such as friendships are repaired, and moral forgiveness, in which victims come to once again see their abusers as having intrinsic moral value as human beings. She argues plausibly that one may morally forgive a wrongdoer without personally forgiving. I was less convinced by her claim that "personal forgiveness always implies moral forgiveness" because "any close personal relationship includes mutual respect of moral value or dignity" (63). Might not someone who does not value humanity as such (say, a mafia hitman) value his personal relationships (with other mafiosos)? This combination of attitudes may not be able to be held in a fully, rationally consistent way, but it seems psychologically possible. The last portion of the essay poses the question of whether wrongdoers can deserve forgiveness and victims can be morally required to forgive in either of the two senses of forgiveness; however, Fricke provides no clear answers to those questions.

The next pair of articles pursues Griswold's claim that forgiveness requires a narration of the past, one which will both acknowledge its wrongful character yet allow for the forgiver to overcome her negative attitudes toward the wrongdoer. Garry L. Hagberg and Peter Goldie each ask how this might work in cases of self-forgiveness. Both worry whether "in self-forgiveness there is not the possibility of a narrative accounting from an appropriate distanced perspective" (Goldie, 83-4). In "Self-Forgiveness and the Narrative Sense of Self," Goldie suggests that such distancing is enabled by the wrongdoer's ability to think about herself in a way that is "essentially ironic" and involves seeing one's past, wrongdoing self as, in a sense, another person (87):

This opens up the epistemic and evaluative ironic gap that is at the heart of the notion of narrative: an epistemic gap because one now knows what one did not know then; and an evaluative gap because one can now take an evaluative stance which differs from the stance that one took then (87).

Hagberg, in "Forgiveness and the Constitution of Selfhood," rejects this dyadic view of the self as phenomenologically inaccurate. Instead, he believes that self-forgiveness is enabled by "one identity seeing bi-focally, not two persons gazing from a distance upon each other" (75). Hagberg draws on literary concepts to explain his view, comparing self-forgiveness to the experience of reading fiction, wherein "we simultaneously identify with a character in fiction but also stand apart from that narratively-entwined persona" (75). For Hagberg, this narrative process is not performed by a later self that is independently distinguishable from the wrongdoing self, but is instead what constitutes the new, forgivable self. Both Goldie's and Hagberg's essays provide satisfyingly complex examples of processes of self-forgiveness. Goldie's essay is also notable for its discussion of the odd case of self-pardoning, in which one regards one's own action as involuntary on the grounds that the circumstances overstrained one's nature without actually undermining one's freedom.

Part III includes six essays that address the limits of forgiveness, that is, a variety of possible restrictions on the possibility or permissibility of forgiveness. For example, almost all theorists of forgiveness claim that forgiveness is not possible where there is no wrong. But in "Forgiveness Without Blame," Espen Gamlund defends the position that forgiveness can occur even when harm-causing is not blameworthy but rather excused or justified. Cases of agent-regret (such as the regret felt by an unlucky driver who faultlessly kills a child), disagreements over culpability between the harmed and the harm-causer, and moral dilemmas all present disruptions to peace of mind and social relations that can be solved by the sorts of interactions and changes in view that we associate with forgiveness and self-forgiveness. While critics may insist that forgiveness requires culpability by definition, Gamlund's discussion will lead many readers to find such a stipulation unsatisfying.

A major debate in the literature on forgiveness is whether forgiveness is "conditional," meaning that forgiveness is only appropriate in cases where the wrongdoer has met some sort of requirement, such as repentance or moral improvement. Jerome Neu's essay, "On Loving Our Enemies," defends the conditional view. Drawing on work by Jeffrie Murphy, Neu argues that resentment is a morally appropriate reaction to being victimized that can be set aside only for a moral reason. Also working within a conditional framework, Arne Johan Vetlesen asks whether there are cases where no moral reason could justify forgiveness and where forgiveness is, therefore, wrong. In this rather unwieldy essay, Vetlesen emphasizes the relevance of the characteristics of the wrongful acts themselves, rather than the characteristics of the agents who perform the acts, claiming that "some acts are worse, morally speaking, than any individual agent" (161).

Eve Garrard and David McNaughton, in contrast to Neu and Vetlesen, defend the position that forgiveness is unconditional by addressing objections posed by Griswold and others. The authors argue that some critics of unconditional forgiveness conflate two senses in which forgiveness can be unconditional: "(1) forgiving no matter what condition the wrongdoer is in; and (2) forgiving no matter what the reason for doing so is" (102). While defending the view that "there is sufficient reason to forgive a wrongdoer whatever his state of mind" (97), Garrard and McNaughton go on to identify reasons for extending such unmerited forgiveness. While the points made in favor of unconditional forgiveness are perhaps not novel, the skill with which the issues are explained and defended makes this essay a good candidate for course syllabuses on forgiveness.

Geoffrey Scarre strays slightly from the theme of forgiveness to look at issues of apology. In "Apologising for Historic Injustices," Scarre dives into the controversy surrounding Australia's official apology to the "Stolen Generations," which addressed the century-long practice of removing aboriginal children from their parents' care, a practice that ended only in the late 1960s or early 1970s. In 2008, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd delivered an official apology for this history, which was met with general approval from both the aboriginal and settler populations. Scarre argues that the apology was not appropriate because the people doing the apologizing did not have "ownership" of the wrongful deeds. While he defends the legitimacy of "insider-regret," a particular form of negative reactive attitude towards one's group's historical injustices, Scarre denies that this attitude can ground the practice of apology. Debates about the nature of collective responsibility are well established in the literature and are not much advanced by the arguments to be found here. However, Scarre's essay does provide opportunity for reflection on the nature and functions of apology. Scarre's clear and straightforward account of when an apology can be given and what functions it can perform is quite narrow and so leaves the reader reflecting on what a broader concept of apology might look like.

Finally, literary scholar Jakob Lothe provides a reading of W. G. Sebald's novel Austerlitz . Sebald was a writer who was born in Germany in 1944 but who lived most of his adult life in England. His fiction and non-fiction writings have become important to current discussions of how German identity has been shaped by the memory of World War II and the Holocaust. The narrator of the novel, who, like Sebald, is a German exile of the immediate postwar generation, develops an unusual friendship with a Jewish man who survived the Holocaust as a child and is now attempting to recover the story of his parents' lives and deaths in the camps. Lothe argues that Sebald's narrative techniques reveal that the main theme of the novel is forgiveness. This claim remains puzzling for much of the essay, but by the end it becomes clear that Lothe's theme is not 'what is involved in granting forgiveness,' but instead 'what it is like to feel the need to be forgiven for the injustices of previous generations.' As such, the essay is fruitfully paired with Scarre's contribution.

Griswold, C. L., Forgiveness: A Philosophical Exploration , Cambridge University Press, (2007).

Murphy, J. G. and J. Hampton (eds.), Forgiveness and Mercy , Cambridge University Pres, (1988).

Murphy, J. G., Getting Even , Oxford University Press, (2003).

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